Of Shadows and Light

Of Shadows and Light

“Dear God, I cannot love Thee the way I want to.

You are the slim crescent of a moon that I see

And my self is the earth’s shadow that keeps me from seeing all the moon…

I do not know you God, because I am in the way.”

~Flannery O’Connor, A Prayer Journal 

Flannery O’Connor’s personal writings show a heart that longs for intimacy with God. Her initial entries, however, reflect feelings of failure. As a Catholic, she knew traditional prayers but noted, “I have been saying them and not feeling them. My attention is always very fugitive.”

One particular phrase caught my attention. She asked God what He really wanted from her, hoping to avoid the pitfalls of “scrupulous nervousness” and “lax presumption.” I believe countless people of faith either live in one mindset or the other. Or worse, they ping-pong between the two.

Labyrinth photoThink about it for a moment. Does the Christian life feel like a perpetual labyrinth, requiring constant attention to avoid a wrong turn or falling into a hole? Do we have to keep some sort of perfect equilibrium to get through the minefield of carnal life and finally win the pleasure of God?

Or do we compartmentalize our faith into something we do on Sundays? Does our prayer life boil down to “Help!” in times of urgency? Still, we’ve been baptized and know the Scriptures, and occasionally give a dollar to that guy on the street corner. So we’re set.

Is God breathing down our necks and wagging a finger? Or is He off in the distance, giving us an occasional thumbs up? Of course, neither image characterizes God.

I closed O’Connor’s book and felt a wave of gratitude. For years now, I have been free from the shadows of condemnation. As I describe in my book—being under condemnation feels like God is constantly disappointed with you. You come up short every day and say with resolve, “I’ll try harder tomorrow.” You spend hours baking cherry pies only to find out that God really prefers apple.

Somewhere on my long journey of faith, I discovered that freedom from condemnation is not presumption.Continue reading

Moonlight Limitations

Moonlight Limitations

“The Bible without the Holy Spirit is a sundial by moonlight.”

—Dwight L. Moody (1837-1899)

In the summer of 1991, Duncan and I travelled to Cody Wyoming to look at a piece of land down the south fork of the Shoshone River. At the time, we considered buying 13 acres that included a small house to help Young Life start a backpack program. Two YL staffers drove up from Colorado Springs to meet us and see the lay of the land. It is a stunning area, similar to Yellowstone Park.

As we stood on the lot, I thought about our own backpack trip in 1978. photo 1

The trailhead was just down the road. We had hiked from there over the mountains into the Greybull headwaters to fly-fish.

It was thick grizzly country, and I had a tiny can of mace.

It was also our honeymoon—and you guessed it—my husband picked the trip!

 

 

The Bible says, “Who is this coming up from the wilderness
 leaning on her beloved?”           (Song of Solomon 8:5)

photo 4

That would be me—sleep deprived and weary. How does one slumber with the thought of bears lurking? I also grew some whopping blisters on my heels the size of sand dollars. At certain points near the end of the trip, I did more than lean. My husband actually carried me across places in the river to keep my feet dry. Very kind.

Hypothetically speaking, if he had taken Song of Solomon 8:5 as a confirmation for an idyllic backpack honeymoon, he would’ve been reading by moonlight! 

A wilderness to him was a pristine area. To me, it was a desert experience. The same word can mean very different things.

I survived the honeymoon. photo 2

He didn’t mean to cause any trouble or hardship. He just wanted to fish!

Footprints in Sand

Next time we’d go here…

 

Back to the lot in Wyoming:  The current resident in the little house on 13 acres was an outfitter. He guided trips for people to hunt and fish in the backcountry. When we arrived, he was busy packing a string of horses with gear, food, tents and other provisions to set up a fishing camp. But it was late in the day.

The outfitter said he preferred to travel at night. “You can see quite a lot under a full moon.” He wouldn’t run into any other pack trains or have to back up on a narrow trail. I think he was a loner at heart.

“What about bears?” I asked, remembering my nights hunkered in the tent, with mace in hand. Bears were always a risk, he said. They tended to be more active when the hot sun went down. Still, he left anyway.

I pictured him and all the horses making their way through the dark forest by moonlight. I thought him very brave.

Historically, much of humankind has navigated spiritually by moonlight, so to speak.Continue reading

Wishbone Assumptions

Wishbone Assumptions

During worship one Sunday, I saw an image of a wishbone. God held one side and offered me the other. Somehow, I knew if I pulled it, I’d end up with the short end.

I said to God, “What’s this about?” All at once, I heard in my spirit—disappointment in relationships.

Interestingly, the sermon that followed was about God’s desire for us to be one with Him—as in marriage. The wishbone was a signal to examine any wrong assumptions I held about God because of painful human relationships.

If you’re wounded in marriage, it’s hard to understand the “mystery” that Paul writes about in Ephesians 5.

For some, disappointment in relationships stretches back to earlier hurts with parents. Unresolved wounds in our original relationships play out in all current interactions.

Pastor Kim Unrau told his story as an example. Kim had a great dad—a dad who tucked him in, said “I love you” out loud, and told Kim he could be anything he wanted. His dad was stable and worked hard to provide, but also spent long hours away from the family, “advancing the kingdom.”

When Kim examined the past more closely, he realized his disappointment. He was living under several assumptions: First, that his father didn’t have much time for him. Secondly, when his father was around, he didn’t listen to him or pursue his heart. And finally, his dad always tried to fix him with pastoral platitudes. You could see the pain in Kim’s face as he shared.

Though Kim idolized his father, he was hurt by him. Left unresolved, those same assumptions shadowed his relationships with other men in authority.

Invariably, disappointment with people spills over into disappointment with God.

Around that time, my friend Pastor Jim Tharp wrote an article in Christian Renewal Ministries Journal. He pointed out that Christians coexist with many ongoing sins in their lives. He named a few, including the sin of “prolonged discouragement.”

Wait a minute! Did I read that right?Continue reading